Christmas with Jesus

Christmas this year was unlike any other I have experienced. I was not with family or friends. I have been alone for Christmas before, but those years I was able to call my mom and wish her a merry Christmas. This year, there was nobody to call. This year, in order to get through the day, I treated it just like any other day, with one exception. I watched Christmas Eve mass from the Vatican at 6:00PM and then the one on EWTN from Washington at 10:00PM. I spent the day as I would anyone's birthday. Since it was Jesus' birthday, I restricted my celebrations to Him. I managed to get through the day with only a few tears. I co-worker called and invited me to come over for supper with his family, but I declined. I knew that if I did any of the "traditional" Christmas things, I would be washed in tears.

Tonight on EWTN, Mother Angelica (in a show that was recorded years ago) was speaking on the celebration of Christmas and said that it seemed like those who spend Christmas alone are the ones who are actually celebrating Christmas for what it is. They don't spend hundreds of dollars, months before Christmas putting up decorations, putting up a Christmas tree that will be out in the streets on the 26th of December for the garbage man to collect. I got to thinking about where Jesus is in the "traditional" Christmas celebrations. Is He in the decorations? Is He in the tree? Is He in the presents? Is He in all the food? Yes, people put out Nativity scenes, right beside the snowmen and Santa Claus. We give presents because Jesus said to give, but then grip about what we got in return, or just don't appreciate what we got. We pray before the meal thanking God for His son's birthday before making pigs of ourselves. I read the other day that Americans will spend over $8 billion just on Christmas decorations this year. That doesn't include the billions spent on things for people who don't need them. Meanwhile, millions will do with any food to eat on Christmas this year, let alone have enough for presents or decorations. So, if this is a Christian nation, as so many keep telling us it is, where is the Christ in an American Christmas? God humbled Himself in the incarnation, so much so as to be born in a stable. How have we humbled ourselves this Christmas? God gave humanity the means of our salvation, Jesus, on Christmas. What have we really humanity on this Christmas? God gave a star for people to follow to find Jesus' manger. With all the Christmas decorations that are put up, one can barely see the stars today.

Maybe this is just the way we honor people today. We honor them for what they represent by doing it in a way which go against everything for which they stood. We honor the humble with big awards and accolades. We honor those who work with the poor with big banquets. We honor Jesus with big buildings and buying trinkets while our neighbor goes hungry. We honor Mother Teresa with awards that do nothing to help the poor. So maybe we are just are so far off track with everything, that simply honoring someone the way they want, and not the way we want, is too much of a stretch for us. May God help us.

Rejoice, for our salvation has come!

Micah 5:1 - But you, Bethlehem-Ephrathah too small to be among the clans of Judah, from you shall come forth for me one who is to be ruler in Israel; Whose origin is from of old, from ancient times.

Isaiah 9:5 - For a child is born to us, a son is given us; upon his shoulder dominion rests. They name him Wonder-Counselor, God-Hero, Father-Forever, Prince of Peace.

Luke 2:8-18 - Now there were shepherds in that region living in the fields and keeping the night watch over their flock. The angel of the Lord appeared to them and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were struck with great fear. The angel said to them, "Do not be afraid; for behold, I proclaim to you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. For today in the city of David a savior has been born for you who is Messiah and Lord. And this will be a sign for you: you will find an infant wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger." And suddenly there was a multitude of the heavenly host with the angel, praising God and saying: "Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests." When the angels went away from them to heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let us go, then, to Bethlehem to see this thing that has taken place, which the Lord has made known to us." So they went in haste and found Mary and Joseph, and the infant lying in the manger. When they saw this, they made known the message that had been told them about this child. All who heard it were amazed by what had been told them by the shepherds.

May this Christmas bring you the same feelings of joy which drew the magi and shepherds to Him on that night in Bethlehem over two thousand years ago.

Pax et Bonum,
Kurt

The Darkness

I sit here in the darkness so as not to see the emptiness around me.
I sit here listening to the deafening silence of the voice that is no longer there.
I sit here thinking of friends no longer here.
I sit here longing for family who have since passed on.
I sit here praying for our Lord to fill the emptiness in me.
I sit here wishing Christmas was over for this year.
I sit here realizing that I will get through this but it won't be easy.
Pray for me, Holy Mother Mary, all the angels and saints, and you, my brothers and sisters out there, that God will ease my journey through this season.

Process

It has now been nearly two months since my mom passed away. I realized this morning that the grief, which was initially a deep, stabbing pain that could be clutched and comforted, has now turned into a dull, shallow emptiness, which is sucking the very life from me. I feel as if the life is slowly draining from me, being replaced with a black emptiness from which nothing escapes. I know that grief is a process, and I am forcing my way through it. I just wish I had someone to lean on during this process. I have spent years putting up walls so that gays don't know I am a devout Christian, and Christians don't know I am gay. In doing this, I prevent them from prematurely judging me and rejecting me. But at times like this, it also means that I have nobody that I can be completely open and honest with. It means that those who do know the real me, have not been allowed into my life deep enough to be a real support for me when I need it. I know that God is with me and walks beside me through all of this, but I wish He could become flesh and bone so that He could hold me and carry me (if necessary) through all this shit I am going. God help me.

Thoughts

Every so often, I get a thought that I write down and use as a signature for emails or just go back and read to remind myself of something. Tonight, I thought I would share some of my thoughts on here.

Do no let hurt turn to resentment, which turns one to judgment and condemnation. For when you do, you go from needing God to becoming God.

Lord,
Open the eyes that are closed to Your love, that they may see the love you have for them.
That seeing that love, may they feel Your love.
And upon feeling your love, may they seek only to spread your love to all the world.

Lord,
Let me never be so busy that I can't love my neighbor by saying hello when I see them.

The road to God is not an easy one, for it must be traveled on one's knees.

Never look down on somebody else. For in order to look down on someone, you must take your eyes off of God above.