Holidays = Holy Days???

Last week I was to go to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving. As I got up Thursday morning it quickly became apparent that I was not going to be able go through with it. I just cried and sobbed on and off most of the morning. Without mom, I could not go through with the normal routine of a family Thanksgiving. As I drove back to Kentucky with another load of my mom's things, I began to think about holidays in this country. Thanksgiving, for example, is a day set aside to give thanks to God for all He has given us. But, after I got back and people asked me what I did for Thanksgiving, they all seemed disappointed at how I spent mine, which reinforced my thoughts on the drive back. It seems like holidays in this country have become mere family gatherings with some things added in for the season. It is as if I can't give thanks to God without a turkey and family around, or celebrate the Lord's birth without presents and cards and family around. When I think about this, and then think of the fact of all the people in this country that have no family to be with around holidays, I can't help but think that in this "Christian" nation, we have replaced the real intent of the holiday (usually God) with warm fuzzies, be it a good meal, presents, cards, families, and other things from which we derive some pleasures as the paramount object of a holiday. Instead, we should remember the main object of the holiday, which is usually God or some other person to whom we owe our thanks. Unfortunately, we, in this "Christian" nation tend to be less giving and more into what we can get out of something as each year passes. And since we don't get what we want from God (since we usually don't want for ourselves what God wants for us), or the poor, or others, we tend to downplay them when their moment in the spotlight comes around, and replace them with something that we want. Even charitable works are sold to people based on what they can get out of it (tax deductions, warm feelings, assuaged conscience, etc.).

Okay, enough with my ramblings. The grieving process is in full motion. Pray for me Holy Mother Mary and all the saints in heaven, and all my friends out there. It is the prayers that get me through, through the work of God in my life. I am truly grateful for all that I have, which is more than many. May the Lord continue to bless me and guide.

To close, a thought that came to me as I drove back to Kentucky. "My life is nothing like I wanted it to be. I can only pray that is bears some semblance to what God wanted it to be like."

One Month Later

It has been one month since my mother passed away, and over the last month my life has been all over the place. I have driven over 5000 miles bringing things from my mom's place in Logansport, Indiana to my place in Wilmore, KY. As I go through things, I am forced to relive part of my and her lives, both good times and bad. But regardless, I am forced to remember her as she was, and that she is no longer in my life. I know that she is in a better place, but I am realizing how much a part of my life she was, and how much of my life is now gone, leaving a big, empty hole in the center of my being. I find myself coming home, watching TV and eating until I go to bed. I then toss and turn all night until I wake up and lay in be trying to force myself to get up, which goes against everything I am wanting at the moment. I am getting fatter and more tired, and I know mom wouldn't want me to do this to myself, and I don't want to do it to myself either. But I find myself doing it. I still find myself breaking down and crying sometimes, and am in no way prepared for the upcoming holiday season. I see people in their perfect homes, with perfect families, having a perfect meal, knowing that I will be going to my mom's home (which will be sold soon), and then to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving dinner where I have never fit in, knowing that the only person left in my family that I really connected with won't be there because she is now gone. God help me to get through this, because He is the only one who can get me through this. And even though I can get through the days, mainly because I am not thinking about it, the evenings, quiet and alone, allow me to think and dwell, and hurt. But I will get through this. I just have to take one day at a time. The hardest part is that the world is now such a lonely place to me. Nobody to hold, nobody to love, nobody to share things with, nobody to live for.