Process

It has now been nearly two months since my mom passed away. I realized this morning that the grief, which was initially a deep, stabbing pain that could be clutched and comforted, has now turned into a dull, shallow emptiness, which is sucking the very life from me. I feel as if the life is slowly draining from me, being replaced with a black emptiness from which nothing escapes. I know that grief is a process, and I am forcing my way through it. I just wish I had someone to lean on during this process. I have spent years putting up walls so that gays don't know I am a devout Christian, and Christians don't know I am gay. In doing this, I prevent them from prematurely judging me and rejecting me. But at times like this, it also means that I have nobody that I can be completely open and honest with. It means that those who do know the real me, have not been allowed into my life deep enough to be a real support for me when I need it. I know that God is with me and walks beside me through all of this, but I wish He could become flesh and bone so that He could hold me and carry me (if necessary) through all this shit I am going. God help me.