One Month Later

It has been one month since my mother passed away, and over the last month my life has been all over the place. I have driven over 5000 miles bringing things from my mom's place in Logansport, Indiana to my place in Wilmore, KY. As I go through things, I am forced to relive part of my and her lives, both good times and bad. But regardless, I am forced to remember her as she was, and that she is no longer in my life. I know that she is in a better place, but I am realizing how much a part of my life she was, and how much of my life is now gone, leaving a big, empty hole in the center of my being. I find myself coming home, watching TV and eating until I go to bed. I then toss and turn all night until I wake up and lay in be trying to force myself to get up, which goes against everything I am wanting at the moment. I am getting fatter and more tired, and I know mom wouldn't want me to do this to myself, and I don't want to do it to myself either. But I find myself doing it. I still find myself breaking down and crying sometimes, and am in no way prepared for the upcoming holiday season. I see people in their perfect homes, with perfect families, having a perfect meal, knowing that I will be going to my mom's home (which will be sold soon), and then to my aunt's house for Thanksgiving dinner where I have never fit in, knowing that the only person left in my family that I really connected with won't be there because she is now gone. God help me to get through this, because He is the only one who can get me through this. And even though I can get through the days, mainly because I am not thinking about it, the evenings, quiet and alone, allow me to think and dwell, and hurt. But I will get through this. I just have to take one day at a time. The hardest part is that the world is now such a lonely place to me. Nobody to hold, nobody to love, nobody to share things with, nobody to live for.