Fear not

Fear is a powerful motivator and can be used to mobilize people for great good or great evil. I was reminded of that recently when I bought the movie "V for Vendetta". I love this movie because I can identify with it on several levels. I see the fear portrayed in the movie and can see it in my own life. Afraid I might say the wrong thing to the wrong person or not act the right way and be called out as different. I have wondered sometimes when walking down the streets of Lexington, KY at night if I will hear the word faggot from behind before the baseball bat impacts my head. And if that did happen, would anyone care. Would the cops even try to find the culprit who did it, of just leave it to sit like they did with Timothy Blair in Louisville. Or will they catch someone, only to have them get off like in the Richie Phillips case. You may think that I am paranoid, and maybe I am, but when you read story after story about gay people being attacked and little happens to the perpetrator, one can't help wondering. And no, I don't sit cowering in the corner. But the thought of something like this happening isn't far off. You just learn to live with it and go on with life.

Another fear is if I would be fired if I was outed at work. Would people forget everything they know about me and just see me as "the gay guy". Or if I would be thrown out on the street by my landlord if he knew I had in my possession materials he deems wrong, such as newletters from Dignity USA . Either of these could happen, legally, and I know a couple of people who were actually driven out of their jobs by my current employer when they were outed. When you work with people who, not knowing your gay, say stuff like gays should be rounded up and locked up forever. Or that they are all child molestors. Some have even advocated rounding up gays and shooting them. Once again, maybe I am paranoid, but I remember the early days of the AIDS epidemic when, I think it was some California Republicans who put out bumper stickers that said something like, "AIDS, killing all the right kinds of people". Or a few years ago when the Rev. Bill Banuchi, executive director of the New York Christian Coalition said, while making the point about how many years homosexuals take off the average life span because of all their diseases, that we label cigarettes because they are dangerous to our health. Asking the question, without actually vocalizing it, as to why we don't label homosexuals. They did label homosexuals once. The Nazis made them wear pink triangles just like they made Jews wear yellow stars of David. Someone actually put together a comparison of Nazi comments about Jews and current conservative comments about homosexuals on a web page. Even though some of the quotes are by quacks, most are by "respected" people or groups. There is also a list of quotes from conservative groups regarding homosexuals on this site, some of which I remember hearing because I used to be a good conservative Christian who watched Pat Robertson's 700 Club. I would just try to ignore the parts where he condemed me and put who I really was down deeper into the closet.

So, yes, I am a contant companion to fear. Not as much as I used to be. And it is becoming less of an influence in my life as love grows within me. Love for those to whom society has rejected. Love for those whose life struggles never seem to end. Even love for those who seek my death, maming, firing, or any number of other things merely because of who I am. Jesus said to "fear not" numerous times, but I could never overcome that by myself. It was only through His grace that I was able to break the bounds of fear. And, even though I am still acting in some of the same CYA ways, I am trying to break out of those routines that I slip back into without thinking. I am trying to begin standing up and speaking out when it is called for without debating it in my head first.

May God continue to give me the strength to do as He wills, namely to love all: God, family, friends, neighbors, and enemies.