God Is Good

I don't know why I think this, I just do. I have spent all day today lying in bed, my body racked with pain because my fibromyalgia started flaring up this weekend and, having slept very little last night, I awoke to the hell of not being able to move without excruciating pain. I laid there all day, praying and listening to prayers on EWTN on the internet. I listened to mass, said the rosary, divine mercy chaplet, and several other prayers, and listened to the rosary while trying to feel the presence of God with me in my room. I can't say that I felt anything extraordinary, but I knew He was there. But everything else in my life must be going well if I feel this way about God. WRONG!!!

Back in Indiana, my mother is dying, slowly, existing in a frustrated state of not being able to think straight or vocalize what she is thinking since a stroke (her third in six years) left her in this state. She is the last member of my family that I am close to and when she goes there will be a large hole in me that nobody else on this earth can fill. Here is Kentucky, my second family is in turmoil since the Board of Trustees placed our beloved president on leave after failing to force his resignation. On top of that, a person that I have been very close to for the last several years is leaving at the end of the week to move back to Maryland. I wish him and his family all the best, but that opens yet another hole in me. And my third family, the family I will join at the end of the year when I join the Roman Catholic Church at Pax Christi in Lexington, KY, is still a bit of a concern to me since they do not, as of yet, know that I am gay. I chose that church because of a statement on their web site and in their weekly bulletins states that they welcome all, including "those born with sexual ambiguity or differing orientation". I think it will be okay, but one never knows for sure until the moment it comes out.

So, as you can see, right now, I would not wish my current condition on anyone. I know that God loves me, and those I love, and that He is in complete control. I know that when my mother dies, she will be reunited with her parents who went before her. And that I will one day join them. I know that when my friend and his family return to Maryland, they will be close to their families and their son will be able to see his grandparents and grow up around them like I did mine. I hope that the physical suffering that I have endured on and off for the past ten years will be for some good to someone, somewhere. The bitterness that I used to feel when things went wrong is not present within me. While I love my mother more than anything or anyone, I know that she is no long in my hands to care for, and that she has passed over into the care of the Lord, who will leave her or take her from this earth in His good time. And as bad as I have it, there are others who are worse off.

I was feeling a little better this evening, so I decided to get up and watch a movie, or two. One, the Saint of 9/11, is a documentary about Father Mychael Judge, a Franciscan friar and NYFD chaplain, who died on 9/11 when the first World Trade Center tower collapsed. Seeing those he affected during his life, sometimes when other Christians and even the church, had turned their backs on them, showed me that God finds a way to express His love for all, even to those that the church has rejected. I also watched Mother Teresa, starring Olivia Hussey. I bought this movie over a month ago, but only watched it for the first time two weeks ago. Ever since that first viewing, I have watched it about every other evening. I cannot get it out of my mind. What she did, how great her trust in God was, despite the obstacles she encountered, and how she was Jesus to all around her, whether they were Christian or not. As I watch it, I both know and desire the love that she had for others. I both know and desire the trust she had in God. And I both know and desire to let Jesus shine through me to all...ALL, NO EXCEPTIONS, and let then know of His love. I say that I both know and desire these things because I know and possess them on a certain level, but I desire them in a much greater measure than I currently have them. I want to become them. This is my prayer. Maybe the holes that are opening in my life are making room for God to more fully infill and overcome me entirely. May God make it so. May Mary pray for me. But, as always, not my will but Your will be done. Amen