Control

It seems like people are always trying to gain control what happens in their lives. And yet, if one where to ever really gain control over their life, they would also gain control over something for which they probably had not planned. Just as we don't get to control the circumstances of our births, so we also do not get to control the circumstances of our deaths. Not even those who attempt or commit suicide always have it happen as they plan. But, whether we like it or not, death is a part of life.

But, if we cannot control our lives, what about the lives of others. The power to dispense death is something anyone can wield, but the power to dispense life is something that was once the purview of those in authority only. Now, that power resides with those in the medical profession, or so they think. But now, I am faced with the power over the life of someone. And it is not just anyone. I now have a say over the life of the person who gave life to me, my mother.

Her health is very poor and the doctors say that she will most likely never recover to be any better than she is now. She had suffered three strokes, has congestive heart failure, a genetic form of cirrhosis of the liver, and is diabetic. She recovered from the first two strokes with no permanent damage. This last stroke left her having what they call seizures where she seems to just lose all mental abilities and she becomes non-responsive. Sometimes (becoming fewer with each seizure) she is fairly normal. But when she has a seizure, she just sits and stares into space, looking around at nothing. When she speaks, random words come out of her mouth in what she thinks is a coherent sentence. Even when she is in her right mind (or as much as possible) she get very frustrated at not being able to express her thoughts. She can't think of words or mis-orders them. And each seizure seems to make things worse.

So now the decision must be made by my brother and me: if the occasion calls for it, should she be resuscitated. The idea of having my mother's life depending on a decision that I make is very nearly overwhelming. My mother always wanted to be resuscitated because she wants to see her grandchildren, my brother's daughter and soon-to-be-born son, grow up. But with her condition the way it is now, that is very unlikely even if she is alive. So, after much thought, after five plus years of hellish lows and all-too-few highs, after taking care of her as much as I am able, I have decided to not have her resuscitated when the time comes. I have informed my brother of this, and advised him to talk to her doctor to get a better idea of the condition she is currently in. I know that she is really already gone, but as long as her body lives I can't help but hope for some kind of miracle that would restore her mind. I know that the real decision is not between keeping her alive and letting her die, but between releasing her soul and keeping it trapped in a deteriorating body. She is not in pain now, but if we keep her alive, will she be someday? Can I live with the knowledge that we put her in that condition?

The maybe's have run out. The questions about what the doctors can do are at an end. It is time to let her rest in peace. I do not know when it will happen, but I pray that God will take her sooner than later and let her rest in His arms.