Nobody knows what it's like...

Lately my life has been a mess, or as much of a mess as God will allow it to be. My mother is extremely ill and there is only so much I can do for her. This is causing me not to sleep well at night, which is furthering the funk I have been in. I wouldn't call it depression because I don't throw that term around (like others tend to do) for when I am down. I have been depressed, to the point of suicide, and know what that is like, and am nowhere near that now. But I think I am probably below the level of a funk. Oh well, life goes on.

But when I can't sleep, my mind wonders and thinks about things, sometimes I think too much about things. But last night I was thinking about a song that I heard yesterday. I had heard it numerous times before, but for some reason I couldn't get it out of my mind. It is Behind the Blue Eyes by The Who. The first line "Nobody knows what it's like to be the bad man" just kept ringing in my head. I couldn't stop thinking about it. Maybe it was because I was thinking that I was a bad man at the time. See, I nearly "hooked up" with a guy last night. We had talked several times via email, and he was curious about my being gay and what it was like. He, too, lived in Wilmore, was married, and is starting back to college this fall. Well, tonight he wanted to come over and talk face to face. I said it was okay, not sure if he was a student wanting to use me for a paper, or just wanted to further talk about being gay in Wilmore, or what he wanted. Well, it turns out he had wanted to come over and make out. He was curious about what it was like to be with a man. Now, I have very limited experience with men, and have not done anything in over six years. One reason for this is because the few times I did hook up after my first time were enjoyable but empty. It was all physical. I didn't even know if I knew the guy's real name. So I decided not to do anything again until it was with a life-time partner, which brings me to the other thing that has kept me celebate for the last several years. His name is Bryan.

I met him here at seminary ten years ago and, even though I was not even out to myself at the time, I felt a strong attraction to him. That connection turned into a friendship that lasted for several years. At the time I didn't know if he was gay or not. I only knew that I had feelings for him that I had never had for anyone else before. Well, it turns out that he was "struggling" with homosexuality like I was. He and the roomate he had one summer, who was another friend of mine, "messed up" that summer, which ruined their friendship, and damaged the friendship I had with both. After Bryan left here, we rarely talked, but I never lost the feelings I had for him. Over the next several years, he spend thousands, possibly tens of thousands of dollars on ex-gay therapies and counseling and books and tapes and whatever else he could get his hands on that would make him straight. When we did talk, he told me of the pain he felt as things were dug up in therapy to explain his homosexual tendencies, although he always got more information out of me than I did from him. I tried to be completely open with him, answering each question he put to me. But he always kept me at arm's length when I asked things about him. Both this distance and the pain he was going through really tore at my heart.

Finally he got married, but by now I knew I was in love with him and couldn't bring myself to attend the wedding. The attraction I felt for him was not only physical, although that was there. I was attracted to his personality, character, the fact that we had similar interests, and just him over all. When he was happy, I was happy. When he was hurting, I hurt. Even after he got married, I prayed that he would be happy in that, despite the fact that it meant I hardly saw him. If he was happy, that was what was important. Well, they were together for a year, seperatated for a year, and finally divorced. I tried to be there for him if he needed anything but he wasn't very responsive. He said that when he got down, he shut people out. So I decided to do something I have never done before in my life. I forced myself on him. I didn't just stand back and say "we'll do something some time" and let him keep putting it off. I decided to take the initiative and say that I wouldn't let him withdraw. I told him that we were going to get something to eat and go to a movie and that was that. He was totally open to this and ever since then we have gotten together every few weeks to do something. I have not asked him about anything private yet, like is he still straighten out or is he gay or is he still gay and wanting to be straight? I don't want to push him away. But regardless of what he is, he is still Bryan, and he still has my heart, and I don't think that will ever change. Ideally, one day, we could be together, but I know that is not very likely. But I also know that, as of now, I can not see myself being with anyone else. I have never told anyone about my feelings for Bryan, not even him. One day I hope to get the courage to tell him how I feel. But it won't be until I know if he is receptive to such a thing or if it will send him screaming back to his ex-gay therapy. Anyways, back to last night.

He called a little before he was supposed to come over and told me that he couldn't make it because he was ill. It was also then that he told me what he had wanted of our meeting. The truth is, if he had come over, and presented the opportunity for sex to me, I cannot honestly say I would have turned him down. Really, it is not even the sex I wanted. What I was really wanting is someone to hold me tightly and let me know I am loved. Someone to tell me that even though everything looks like shit now, things will be okay and that they will be there for me no matter what. I wanted to fall asleep in someone's arms, someone I knew would protect me from my problems. Someone who would love me regardless of what happened. Someone that I could do the same to if their life ever took a turn for the worse. Yes, I get a hug from the lady at church who says she will pray for me. I get a pat on the back by someone at work who says they are sorry for what my mom is going through. I appreciate that, I really do. But having someone who knows you inside and out, all the good and bad, and is willing to show all that in themselves to you, and you still love each other more than anything, that is what I want. I want to know that there is a reason to resist temptation, and that he is waiting on me at home. (See, I told you I sometimes think too much about things.)

But, instead of being with somebody last night, I sat, by myself, watching Top Hat. Watching Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers dancing together can bring a smile to my face even in the worst of times. And later, I went to bed, alone, trying not to think and just go to sleep, which I did eventually after too much thinking. But I awoke in the morning to the same crap I had when I went to sleep, with another day before me to face alone, hoping for the day when Bryan's face will be the last I see each night and the first I see each morning.

God, let Bryan and me be together some day, or let me be content without him. Either way, Thy will be done.