It Is Finished

Over the course of my life, my faith has been build up and strengthened by Christians, but more ofter it has been torn down and weakened by Christians. You might say that the rock of my faith has been under consistent attack by Christians and the Church. Over the past few months, my faith has been worn down to the size of a pebble, which I have been carrying around with me, protecting it and praying that it would grow again into the flourishing faith that I once had. Finally I asked God to show me once and for if He wanted me or not. I asked for a sign that would be unmistakeable. I asked that if He loved me, that He would send someone to speak a word of compassion and caring to me, asking me if I was okay. If He was finished with me and wanted nothing more to do with me, then send me a voice of judgment and condemnation, like I have been hearing most of my life. I figured that working at a Christian institution, God could find one person to deliver the message that He wanted to send. It didn't take long. Yesterday, after lunch, a co-worker pulled me aside and asked if he could talk to me in private. Then the pebble of my faith was snatched from my hand and obliterated by a ten minute berating full of accusations and condemnations, all of which were bullshit. He demanded that I answer to him for my behavior, but when I attempted to point out his errors, my words were turned and used against me. Where I was told directly more than once that there was no place for me in a Christian workplace. I was accused of demeaning and objectifying women, an accusation that rang rather hollow since the accuser has no idea that I am gay and have no interest or attraction to women. He said that he had dealt with lust and objectifying women in the past and couldn't stand by and let me continue to do this around him. I so much wanted to just tell him that I was gay and that he was full of shit, but had I done that he probably would have started condemning me for being gay. I tried to answer him a couple of times more, only to have my answers manipulated and twisted in the most wicked way he could manage. Finally, I just stood there and withstood a further five minutes of his beratement, being told that I was un-Christlike, hypocritical, and totally undesirable as a person to work with. I left that room with my answer. It was not the answer that I had been hoping to receive, but none the less an answer.

Throughout my life, I have heard preachers speak about how Christians are the hands and feet of God, doing His will on earth. So, when a hand delivers a blow to my faith, I recognize it as the hand of God. When I feel a foot kick me when I am down, I recognize it as the foot of God. God has spoken, and what is said is that He wants nothing to do with me. So, I renounce the Church and Christianity. God has told me that I am not welcome in His Church, therefore I reject his institutions on earth. I only hope that He and His will just leave me alone, but I know better. I am sure that they will continue to make my life a living hell, treating me as filth that they must destroy and drive out, just as they have for the better part of my life.

Consummatum est.