2011 - Where To Now?

2010 marked a major milestone in my life. Earlier this year, we settled my mom's estate and they installed the tombstone at her grave. That was the last thing that needed to be done for her. When this was finished, I found myself in a position I have not been in since I was eight years old. I found myself with nobody to take care of/support/look after/do for other than myself. It was like I was standing in the middle of a vast desert where I could do anything or go anywhere I wanted because I no longer had any connections elsewhere. But because of that lack of connections, I had no clue as to where to go or what to do. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't trade all the time I spent with my mother and grandmother over those years for anything. When others were going on vacation, I would go home and do things for them. While others were partying in high school, I stayed home. When others were rebelling or living it up in college, I went home on the weekends to take care of things that my mom/grandma needed done. Those sacrifices were gladly made, but now I am in a quandary as to what direction to go with my life?

At the age of 43, it is like I am now living in a totally new world where the only limits are self-imposed. Where does one go at my age to learn how to live and not just exist? Also, over the years, I have erected numerous walls in my life to protect myself. Now, those walls are a hindrance to my moving on with my life. I took several steps this year to start tearing those walls down. And although several of those walls now lie in ruin, I have discovered that there are more walls around those that I have not even begun to topple. So, like I said before, where does one go at my age to learn how to live. To start with, I took a large step this year by going on two vacations. The first was to Florida were I saw old friends, and traveled to some areas I had never been before, like Charleston, SC, Savannah, GA, and Mobile, AL. The second was the one that really pushed my limits. I have always been a small town boy, and I never liked urban areas. So going to New York City for three days, going site-seeing and attending four Broadway shows there, and then walking around Boston, all by myself, was a real stretching of my comfort zone. I then went all the way to Nova Scotia before heading back to Kentucky, along the way seeing old friends and meeting some new ones. On that trip, I went farther and was away longer than I had ever been before. And although the times in New York City and Boston stretched me, I loved every minute of it. For the first time in my life, I felt alive and a part of a world that is enormous and wonderful and full of interesting things to see and do. And while I was glad to get back home afterward, I now want to go back out into that world and see and do more. Another thing that I did this year is I took my first drink of alcohol. I wasn't brought up to be anti-alcohol, but alcohol was just something we never drank. And with the ethos statement at ATS prohibiting the use of alcohol, I just never touched it. With the removal of the alcohol prohibition at ATS this fall, I figured I would try it. While I don't think I will ever be a big drinker, I did enjoy the flavor of my first drink (Maker's Mark Bourbon) and the kick it gave me. I am now searching for different things to try. I am exploring the offerings of Dogfish Head Brewery along with other craft beers, and will, at some point, try other spirits, mixed drinks, and wines.

But, after thirty-plus years of being the "responsible one", I now want to start experiencing life. I want to push the envelope and see what's out there. I want to see the things I've never seen. I want to do the things I've never done. But I've noticed somethings about myself as I start this process. I feel like the piece of paper that gets crushed in the bottom of your book bag. You can pull it out and flatten it, but it still retains the tell-tail sign of being crushed. I have crushed myself down in the reserved/responsible/mature box so far and for so long that now that I want to let go, I can't. I can't bring myself to dance even when I am alone. I can't even just scream at the top of my lungs for no reason. This reserved condition has always protected me, but now I want to get rid of it, or at least lessen it to the point where I am cautious but not in a restraining way. I want to live life to the fullest, stopping just shy of anything that would cause me trouble in the long run. I've known people who “live it up” and run off and do things. And if things don't work out, they just return home and live with their family until they are able to go out again. While I do not fault this (on the contrary, I envy their situation and pray that they realize what they have and are thankful for it), I do not have the luxury of this familial safety net. I have no family to catch me if I fall. I must consider the day after tomorrow when I am planning for tomorrow. So, given this balancing act, where do I start? I can hardly wait to take my next trip, but I am not sure when that will be.

I have finally worked at ATS long enough to get sufficient vacation time to take some longer trips. The main restriction on my traveling more is my income, which after almost eleven years, is still significantly lower than what I was told I would be making when I first took this position. I blame nobody for this but myself. I could have done like so many others with whom I have worked have done: leave for another job that pays more. Many of them did this out of necessity because they had a spouse and children to support, and what they made at ATS wasn't enough to do that. But I feel a connection with those with whom I work. I do not see my job as just a means to pay the bills. I pray that I am making a difference with my service to those at ATS, and I know that those whom I support appreciate my service. So I stay where I am, living with that self-imposed restriction on me.

So, as I start my 44th year of life, I pray that God will make several things happen this coming year:

First, I pray that God will bring someone into my life with whom I can spend my remaining days. Most people my age have already found a community or a special person with whom to spend their time, to travel, to have fun, and to do things. That I do not have, and the loneliness is unbearable at times. It is not the loneliness of being by yourself. It is the loneliness that can be felt in a room full of people. It is the loneliness that is always in the back of your mind telling you that friends are enough for somethings, but for those extraordinary occasions you have no one. The friends I do have, whom I truly value, are either married or much younger than me or both. I guess what I truly want is a soul mate, partner, spouse, whatever you call it. It would be great to have someone there with whom to watch a movie in the evenings, or just talk and have their frame of reference be similar to mine. I want someone to push me when I want to, or need to be pushed. I want someone to whom I can open my whole self without fear of rejection. I want someone I can just hold onto during the rough times. And I want someone who will see me as that person to whom they can go when they need to talk, a push, a hug, or just someone to be there for them regardless of the situation. I just hope that during my search, I do not mistake lust for love, nor settle for the former at the expense of the latter.

Second, I pray that God would improve my work situation. Like I said before, I truly do enjoy my work and the people I support. But I pray that the stress, pettiness, egos, and control issues would go away. I pray that the people with whom I work could be proud of the department in which we work like we once were. And I pray (in a moment of selfishness) that my position could be raised back up to where it was and that my salary could be raised up to what I was told it would be when I took the position.

Third, I pray that God will provide me the opportunities to travel and see the world as I now wish to do, and in the way that I wish to do (see first item above). It's strange because when one seeks isolation from others, and then finally finds it, the first thing one wants to do is share that special moment with someone else. There are over six billion people in this world, each one unique, special, and with a story to tell. I pray that I may have the opportunity to hear as many of them as I possibly can.

God, help me to get out of my way this year and make 2011 a fitting sequel to the good start I have had in 2010.