Love Alone

In most of the great romances throughout history, the couple is comprised of a man and a woman from different factions which despise each other, be they Montague and Capulet (Romeo and Juliet), black and white, Jew and Christian, Jets and Sharks (West Side Story), or vampire and lycan (Underworld movies). Regardless of the reason their factions hate each other, their love for each other carries them through. They can rely on each other to be there for them no matter what. But in life there can sometimes be those same opposing factions within a single person, each fighting against the other internally. One specific case would be someone who is a Christian homosexual.


There is no love lost between Christians and homosexuals. So for these two factions to exist within one person can cause all sorts of problems. Just as the traditional romance, the person involved may not see any problem with the blending of the two factions within themselves. But those around them see nothing but that difference. Christians will hate this person because they are homosexual. Homosexuals will hate this person because they are Christian. So, this person can: 1) lie to those around them about who they really are; 2)choose one faction to live with and push the other out of their lives; 3) or isolate themselves so that this mixed existence can not be discovered by those around them on either side. The first option would violate their Christian principles. The second option means that they would have to deny part of who they are, which can lead to mental and emotional issues such as self hatred. The third option is the safest and easiest for most. But even this option has it's problems, namely loneliness. There are some Internet sites which cater to gay Christians which can partly fill in for the lack of closeness in one's life. But the Internet cannot brush away a tear as it rolls down a cheek, or cozy up next to you to watch a movie, or even hug you so tight that you swear your ribs will crack, but that is what you need to feel like you are really alive. As you can tell, I fall into this third option. I won't lie if asked if I am gay, but I don't announce it either. I also tend to not get too close to anyone for fear that they will discover who I really am inside.


I work at a Christian institution where I have actually heard people talk about killing gays. I'm not sure which to fear more, the ones who joke about it or the ones who aren't joking. Either way, it makes me feel about one inch tall with them having their boot right over me ready to squash me at any moment. I have a few people that I do somethings with, but none that I can really consider a close friend of the sort that I can be completely open with....at least not yet. I have come out to a few people since I have been here, and a couple of them tried to have me thrown out. If it weren't for confidentiality requirements, I am sure that I would have been outed to the greater community since they couldn't find a valid reason to throw me out. But I have seen others here outed and, while they didn't have a valid reason to get rid of them, they made their lives a living hell until they quit. So between the jokes, threats, and general atmosphere of unwelcoming, I keep to myself to keep my job.


I have experienced love while here, but the one who has my heart has chosen option two from above, and has gone straight, or at least keeps trying. So while I love another, he doesn't love me back, nor does he even communicate with me anymore as part of his therapy. So, my life consists of loneliness, unrequited love, and constant threat of job loss....at best.


God, help me continue to endure through this existence, and let me one day come to a point where I can actually live and love as others get to do.